They're electric blue lights
dancing across the skies
Staining black velvet, with
incandescent lapis
Hand me your paintbrush
and let me trace each star
with fluorescent pink
and charcoal black
The sky's the limit -
there's nothing to stop us.
Pause. BREATH.
thump-thump.
thump-thump.
You hear that?
It's your heart.
my heart.
The world's heart.
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Author's Comments
This is really, really random. Umm literary diarrhea? Hm, I dunno. I really like the beginning. (and yes I know it's lapis lazuli, but that doesn't fit.. it just doesn't)
I don't know where the ending came from, and where it's going. But meh.. Enjoy~ (category's weird again, but I dislike the word general) |
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Comments
--
I've always known that I'd be trapped;
the world outside no longer shows.
And here, within this dream, I'm caught...
the Lady of the Blackened Rose.
[link]
--
cartwheeling into infinity.
The "to and fro" movement that your writing imitates, creates an enjoyable and fun experience for the reader.
Furthermore, your use of imagery further enhances the reader's experience with this piece. It happens to act as a paintbrush, creating a painting in which the reader can visualize in his/her mind and thoughts. Excellent.
Overall, you did a good job in this particular piece, while maintaining a fun and thrilling environment for the reader.
Nice!
I didn't think of that at the time, but now that you mention it, the way it hops back and forth between things does seem bouncy.
Do you have any ideas on how I can improve the ending?
--
cartwheeling into infinity.
i have no idea why.
a bit random, but then again, thats why its so captivating.
and i dunt know, i kinda liked the ending too.
--
Harmony of screams...Crescendo of dreams...
i dont know if u understood what i said.
--
Harmony of screams...Crescendo of dreams...
Well, for the ending, it would be pretty cool if you included a really energetic, "big" ending that leaves a hyper, rejuvenated impression on the reader. Perhaps, you could edit your prose, in which you slowly build-up to this conclusion (or the ending) with energy, and at the end let all that energy fly loose.
Thank you!
--
cartwheeling into infinity.
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