If this were longer I would read more

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"...the great tragedy of the world is not that people suffer, but how much they miss when they suffer. Nothing is quite as depressing as wasted pain, agony without an ultimate meaning or purpose." ~Fulton Sheen

lol, if i keep reading ur works, in no time, my outlook is gonna start changing...

still awesome!

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you...you are the reason i exist. to prove to the world that impossibilities don't exist.

Changing for the better or worse?

I'm thinking about extending this now. Do you have any suggestions?

That first line is excellent. The second line, though, let me down a bit in comparison, partly because of the punctuation (or a lack thereof). The first line is gripping, because it is short and makes a solid statement. The second, though, is longer, and without punctuation, has a tendency to lose its intensity. Consider something like this:

Children playing with things too dark[,] too deep[,] far too dangerous for us to ever comprehend.

Because it's already a sentence fragment, you can actually remove "and" entirely in favor of commas, which adds for a brief pause and a stronger re-entry in the read.

Also, while on the subject of sentence fragments, be careful not to have too many of them. It's similar to listening to music, if all of the notes are accented, then none of them sound accented. With this many fragments, you lose the strength they provide in comparison to complete sentences.

Fix that up, and I think you've got yourself a good opening here.

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"That's right kiddies, don't drink or you'll end in gaiou's scraps and people will make fun of your ass" - =Thiefoworld

*Adopt-A-Writer | =DailyDeviants | *Trashrock | *Writers-Workshop

You're the writer If you wish to expand, you might look at what aspect entices you in this piece and then focus on that. (Whether it be from the children's side of things, or the adult's, for example).

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"...the great tragedy of the world is not that people suffer, but how much they miss when they suffer. Nothing is quite as depressing as wasted pain, agony without an ultimate meaning or purpose." ~Fulton Sheen

changing to suit reality better lol

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you...you are the reason i exist. to prove to the world that impossibilities don't exist.

The first thing that caught me was the 1st POV shit to 3rd POV by the third sentence, which is quite a bit odd. But it seems to be a pronoun missing its antecedent. You are using plural pronouns without having any characters, which is a bit jarring. I like the plot, but it seems built up with some forced writing. It isn’t clear who the voice belongs to and there isn’t a setting, so all we have to digest is the soliloquy explaining the characters. Unfortunately, it is not that engaging. There is a lot the reader just has to except as the voice tells the story to us, and it isn’t exciting. As with several other pieces, this feels more like a prologue than an opening paragraph to a narrative. The main reason being there is nothing actually happening in the scene. It is all setup to the story while the next paragraph could go off in a plethora of directions instead of continuing where a hook leaves off. I like the early revelations about the plot, and how the story could unfold after this, but it just isn’t grabbing me.

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~D

Changing for the worse then.